If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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