you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
