I like my sex mixed with concussions.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Send help, water and tortillas.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I love you. Go after that dick
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
