I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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