I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
