So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
