No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
