They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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