i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
