I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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