Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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