I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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