When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
