and you said cock pushups were impossible
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
