i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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