its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize