And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
