Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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