I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
