Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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