Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
