3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
