i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Randomize
