Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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