I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize