A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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