I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
