This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
