dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
