highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
