dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
