Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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