so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
