Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
