I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
