A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
