10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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