On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Someone came in the potted fern
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
