Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
