so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
