Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just sent this text using only my big toe
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm having to shit out rocks
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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