I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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