I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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