So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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