In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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