A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
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I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
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If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
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