i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
