I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
