just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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