i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
