my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
