i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
