the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
