i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
