cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
