I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
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When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
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