Your dad touched me again.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
