Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
