____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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