he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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