We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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