Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
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