critical mistake not lubing the nipples
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
